Xander the Mummy
by Ninja Master
Summary: Harry Potter/Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover with The Mummy.
1. Chapter 1

THEBES - 2,134 B.C

"Thebes, City of the Living. Crown jewel of Pharaoh Dumbledore the first."

An Arabian horse drawn chariot comes barreling right, driven by Pharaoh Dumbledore; an aristocratic, virile old man. Glaring out over the city at the setting sun is a handsome, muscular man with intense evil eyes. This is Xander.

"Home of Xander, High Priest of Osiris, Keeper of the Dead."

A gorgeous, olive skinned goddess enters the outer foyer. The skin tight dress she's wearing isn't a dress at all, but rather her entire naked body has been painted in the ancient Egyptian manner she's a stunning sight to behold. This is Harry.

"Birthplace of Harry. Pharaoh's Mistress. No other man was allowed to touch her."

She makes her way through the ornate statuary. A cracked stone face and then it's eyes suddenly pop open. It's really a strange looking tattooed man. Several more of these hideous, bald men stand ready. They are the Priests of Osiris. Xander's guys. Their eyes watch Harry vanish through the bedroom curtains. Harry embraces Xander, they kiss passionately, feverishly. Xander's hand roam over her perfect body smearing the paint.

"But for our love, we were willing to risk life itself."

On the other side of curtains, the bald priests rush over and close the doors. But just as they do, the doors suddenly burst open. The Pharaoh angrily strides in looking at the priests.

"What are you doing here?"

The priests back away scared shitless, obviously his arrival was unexpected. The Pharaoh strides for the for the curtains. Throws them back. Harry stands alone. Gives him a sexy smile. The Pharaoh sees the smeared body paint. Points his finger.

"WHO HAS TOUCHED YOU?!"

From behind him, his sword is ripped out of its scabbard. The Pharaoh spins around. It's Xander. The Pharaoh is shocked.

"Xander…My priest."

Behind him, Harry lifts a dagger and plunges into his back. The Pharaoh screams. Xander rises the Pharaoh's sword. The hideous bald priests slam the doors and bolt them tight. Through the curtains, they see the shadows of Harry and Xander stab away at the Pharaoh. Suddenly, the doors are rammed from the other side, WHAM! Xander and Harry turn and look. WHAM! The doors are rammed again. Two lovers share despite looks. WHAM! The bald priests run up and grab Xander and try and pull him towards the balcony.

"Pharaoh's bodyguards!"

Xander tries to break free but Harry rips the Pharaoh's sword out of his hand and pushes him towards the balcony.

"You must go. Save yourself. Only you can resurrect me."

Xander's face fills with despair. The doors explode open. Men with blue tinted skin and strange puzzle tattoos over their bodies stride in armed to the teeth. These are the Aurors. The priests hustle Xander out onto the dark balcony just as the Aurors rip through the curtains. Harry points to the Pharaoh and hisses.

"My body is no longer his temple!"

She plunges the sword into her own heart. Out in the balcony, Xander's mouth opens into a horrible silent scream…

"For murdering the Pharaoh, Harry's body was to be cursed. And it was I, the High Priest, whose duty it was to curse it."

Xander leads a torch lit procession across the dunes. Harry's body is carried by Nubian slaves. They put her down in the sand along with five jewel encrusted jars. Her body was mummified, her vital organs removed and placed in sacred canopic jars. Xander filled with dread, read from a book made of pure gold. This is the Book of the Living.

"The Book of the Living conditioned sacred incarnations that would send the evil dead on a journey into the dark underworld."

Strange light suddenly flashes across the faces of the slaves and the Egyptian soldiers. Suddenly, everyone's fear fillies eyes all rise, as if watching Harry's body rising. Then one huge flash, accompanied by a gust of wind, and it's over. Harry's body now lies twisted on the ground. Xander's priests place the body in a stone sarcophagus. The Nubian slaves lower it into the hole and bury it with sand. Xander then signals to the soldiers, who throw their spears at the Nubians. Killing them.

"The slaves were killed…"

Xander's knife wielding priests attack the now unarmed soldiers, hacking at them in the flickering darkness as Xander and the Aurors solemnly watches.

"…and the soldiers who killed them were also slain, that no unholy person should ever know the exact location of the burial site."

The Aurors walk off across the sand and then one by one, the priests stop their frenzied stabbing and stare off at the vanishing Aurors. As the last Auror disappears over a distant dune, Xander nods, and the priests leap onto Harry's grave and began digging it back up with their hands.


	2. Chapter 2

Chariots race out into the moonlit desert, Xander leads the way. A hearse carries Harry's body.

"But there was another book, The Book of the Dead, which was never to be opened, never to be read, for it contained the incarnations that could bring a dead body back to life a most unholy thing."

The chariots arrive at Hamunaptra. They race up the stone ramp and in the city gates.

HAMUNAPTRA – City of the Dead

"It was hidden at Hamunaptra, City of the Dead, inside the statue of Anubis, so that no sacrilege might ever disgrace Egypt."

Xander pulls an ornate chest out of a secret compartment inside the giant statue of Anubis. He opens the chest and lifts out The Book of the Dead, made of black stone.

"But for my love of Harry, I was willing to defy the gods."

Big hairy rats scurry through the mausoleums and over the headstones of this very large, scary, underground cemetery. A detritus moat surrounds the cemetery, muck made out of filthy water and human remains. Skulls bob in the goop. The priests have gathered in a circle. Their hooded lifeless eyes seem dead to this world. Their bald heads rock back and forth as they chant, a quite eerie hum. Heinous creatures. In the middle of the circle is a strange twisted altar. Xander has unwrapped Harry's gorgeous, lifeless body and placed her five sacred canopic jars around her.

"Harry's vital organs were still fresh, so no human sacrifice would not be made."

As Xander begins to read from The Book of the Dead, a large swirling hole starts to open in the detritus bog. Serval priests look over at it, frightened, then quickly look back down and resume chanting. A strange mist wafts up out of the swirling hole and over to the jars, it passes through them and into Harry's body. One of the jars shudders, the heart inside begins to beat. The chanting priests, swirling hole, wafting mist, beating heart and Xander's reading are reaching a crescendo. Harry's eyes suddenly fly open.

"Harry's soul had come back from the dead! Now all was needed was to return her organs to their rightful place within her body."

Xander lifts a sacrificial knife above Harry's breast, about to plunge it down. And that's when Aurors burst in and storm through the startled priests. The head Auror smashes the jar with the beating heart. The mist instantly sucks back out of Harry's body and implodes back into the swirling hole. Harry's eyes close. Dying once again. Xander screams in rage. The Aurors grab him and his priests.

"My priests were condemned to be mummified alive."

Inside a touch lit chamber, Xander is held by Anubis headed Embalmers. He cringes at the flickering, impressionistic glimpses of his priests being embalmed and mummified alive. The horrid looking Embalmbers, using knives, needles and thread, calmly perform their ghastly surgery on the screaming priests, who are going insane from the procedure.

A red hot poker is pulled out of a pit of burning coals. A priest's head is wedged between two strong boards. His eyes widen in terror as an Embalmber moves to insert the red hot poker up his nose. Xander's horrified face watches as the priest screams. All twenty one of Xander's priests squirm inside their wrappings. Xander is forced to his knees. His arms are held back. His mouth is pried open.

"As for me, I was condemned to endure the Hom Dai. The worst of all ancient curses. One so horrible, it had never before been bestowed."

Using a pair of tongs, an Embalmber slowly pulls Xander's tongue out his mouth, then places a very sharp knife on top of it. Xander's eyes watches as his tongue is cut out. The Embalmber flings Xander's tongue to the floor. The Aurors' dogs attack and quickly eat it. Xander is wrapped alive. Only his mouth, nostrils and fear filled eyes are free of the slimy bandages.

Detritus muck boils inside a black cauldron. Embalmbers scoop out the fetid muck and apply it to Xander's wrappings as he squirms. He's then laid in a wooden coffin inside a stone sarcophagus. An Embalmber with a bracket looks into the coffin. Xander's wild eyes stare back. The Embalmber empties the bracket over Xander's chest: dozens of scarabs, disgusting dung beetles. They scurry across Xander's screaming face.


	3. Chapter 3

Some vanish into his tongue less mouth and up his nostrils.

"By eating the scared scarabs, I would be cursed to stay alive forever. And by eating me, they were cursed just the same."

The lid to the coffin is slammed shut. Then, using a strange four side key, the head Auror locks the coffin lid tight. The heavy sarcophagus lid is shoved into place and with a loud WHOOSH seals itself airtight. Once again the head Auror uses the strange key, locking the sarcophagus lid tight.

"I was to remain sealed inside my sarcophagus, the undead for all eternity."

The blue skinned, strangely tattooed man carefully collapses the sides of the key, turning it into a little puzzle box.

"They would never allow me to be released. For I would arise a walking disease, a plague upon mankind, an unholy flesh eater, with the strength of ages, power over the sands, and the glory of invisibility."

Xander's sarcophagus is dropped into a detritus pit. The disgusting muck splashes up, drools down its sides, and then is mysteriously sucked into its seams, vanishes clean.

"And if I could rise my beloved Harry from her place in hell, together, we would be an unstoppable infection upon this world. The Apocalypse. The End."

Xander's horrifying tongue less screams can be heard coming from inside his sarcophagus as grave diggers shovel dirt onto it. The heavily armed Aurors stand guard around Xander's grave. Looking down on the burial site is the huge statue of Anubis the jackal headed god of death. Begins to decay, aging 4,159 years in only seconds. The decrepit, half buried statue of Anubis out of the in the middle of the desert. Xander's horrifying screams become the screams of a Tuarge horseman. Racing across the desert with two thousand of his warrior brethren. Armed to the teeth.

THE SAHARA - 1925

A mile across the scoring desert two hundred French Legionaries scurry through the ruins, preparing for the onslaught. The hero is up on the wall. His Kepi sits at a jaunty angle. Dashing and handsome. This is Spike Pratt. He looks out at the massive screaming horde galloping at him.

"I knew this was gonna be a lousy day."

A doughy little Frenchman joins him as he makes way across the top of the wall. This is Larry.

"Personally, I would like to surrender. Why can we not just surrender?"

"Shut up and gimme your bandolier."

Larry pulls off his cartridge belt. Hands it to Pratt.

"Then let's run away. Right now while we can still make it."

Pratt throws it on, crisscrossing his own bandolier.

"Now gimme your revolver, you'll never use it anyway."

Larry pulls out his pistol and chucks it to Pratt.

"Then let's play dead, huh? Nobody ever does that anymore."

Pratt slides it into his belt, next to his own revolver.

"Now go find me a big stick."

"In the desert? What for?"

Pratt turns and goes nose to nose with him.

"So I can tie it to your back, you appear to be without a spine."

The horde of warriors thunders forward. Now a half mile out. Scimitars rattling. Pratt and Larry run through the ruins.

"How'd a guy like you end up in the Legion anyway?"

"I got caught robing a synagogue. Lots of good stuff in them holy places; churches, temples, mosques and who's guarding them?"

"Altar boys?"

"Extremely! I speak seven languages, including Hebrew, so my specially was synagogue. How about you? Kill somebody?"

Larry trips and accidentally tackles Pratt to the ground. Pratt gives him a nasty look.

"No, but I'm considering it."

They get up and run out the gate and down the stone ramp.

"What then? Robbery? Extortion? Kidnapping?"

"None of the above, thank you."

"Then what the hell are you doing here!?"

They both skid to a stop at the front line as they see the horde of warriors. The sound of charging horses is deafening. Pratt gives Larry a big cheesy smile.

"I was just looking for a good time."

And that's when the cowardly Legionnaire Colonel suddenly panics, cuts and runs. Pratt instantly stiffens.

"Oh shit. Steady!"

Gives the men around him courage. But onward comes the horde hoofs pounding the sand. Several more Legionnaires take off.

"STEADY!"

Pratt to himself. What the hell am I sayin'?

The Tuarges let loose with those horrifying long screams. More legionnaires haul ass. Larry is one of them.


	4. Chapter 4

"STEADY!"

Pratt to himself. What the hell am I doin?

The Tuarges set their rifles and take aim. Pratt steels himself, cocks and locks. The cartridge in his mouth suddenly snaps, he spits into the sand.

"FIRE!"

The Legionnaires on the ground fire the rifles report with a crash. The blast blows dozens of Tuarges clean off their mounts. The prone Legionnaires quickly began to reload.

"FIRE!"

The kneeling Legionnaires fire. More Tuarges bite the sand. The remaining warriors open fire. Thunder and smoke rip the hot air. A third of the Legionnaires are killed instantly.

"FIRE!"

The remaining standing Legionnaires fire. Tuarges spin off their mounts. Crash to the sand. And then the entire Tuarge force plows into the ruins and through the Legionnaires. Pratt grabs the barrel of his rifle and starts clubbing riders off their steeds, fighting like a man possessed. Larry on the other hand, is belly crawling across the sand, whispering in full retreat as Legionnaires fall dead all around him. He crawls through the front gate.

Pratt throws his rifle down and goes for his guns. He cross draws, gun in each hand, starts blowing riders off their mounts. Larry crawls faster, and then spots an open temple doorway amongst the rocks. He gets up and sprints for the door as the last of the Legionnaires are shot off their feet behind him. Pratt's guns go empty.

"Son of a bitch."

He turns and runs like hell, right the through the front gate. Four Tuarge Warriors on massive Arabians haul ass after him. He spots Larry inside the temple doorway, trying to close the heavy sandstone door.

"Hey! Larry wait up!"

Larry has no intention of waiting up, he pushes harder.

"What are ya doing? Wait up!"

Pratt runs faster. Larry pushes harder. The horsemen leap the big column and charge after him. Hoofs pounding.

"Don't you close that door! DON'T YOU CLOSE THAT DOOR!"

Larry closes the door just as Pratt reaches it. Pratt slams his body into the door. It doesn't budge.

" I'm gonna get you for this!"

He turns and bolts off around the rocks. Running for his life, weaving through the ruins. The Arabians getting closer and closer. The pounding hoofs getting louder and louder. Pratt finally spins around and faces his attackers. The four massive horses crash to a stop in front of him. The vicious Tuarges raise their rifles to finish him off. Pratt just stands there, exhausted and beaten, then he slowly lifts his right hand and gives them the bird.

And that's when the horses go ape shit. All four of them rear up. Two of the riders are thrown to the ground. The horses screech and bellow and shot in fear, then buck like furry and haul ass away as if the devil himself had scared them. The thrown riders get up and race off after their mounts. Pratt just stands there, stunned, then he lifts his right hand and checks out his middle finger. And then he feels the evil himself, and turns around.

The shattered, decrepit statue of Anubis stares back at him. Suddenly, the sand begins to shift under Pratt's feet. He starts to back away, keeping his eyes on the transforming sand, it looks like huge snakes are wiggling and writhing beneath it, forming lines and shapes, drawing a picture. Pratt quickly turns and runs off through the ruins.

The sand stops moving, drawn in the sand is a picture of Xander's screaming face. Up on a ridge, a group of riders watch Pratt stumble clear of the decrepit city. Pratt fells their presence and looks up. Very different from the Tuarges, they have blue tinted skin and faces covered in strange puzzle tattoos. The Aurors still watching Xander's grave after all this time.

The Auror leader is huge, fierce man in black robes, with dual scimitars across his waist. His face is both handsome and horrible, blue and tattooed. Meet Sirus Black. His dark eyes watch Pratt stagger off into the open desert…


	5. Chapter 5

Cario, a city so old the stars have actually changed their positions in the sky since its birth. A city teeming with every form of life. A strange, mysterious, wonderful city.

CAIRO

Deep in the bowels of the museum like the stacks rows upon rows of towering bookshelves. Filled with literature on the Antiquities. Standing at the top of a tall ladder between two of these rows and leaning against one of the bookshelves, is a rather uninteresting British girl: eyeglasses, hair in a bun, long boring dress, your typical prudish nightmare. This is Drusilla Giles.

Drusilla pulls a book out from a stack under her arm, blows the dust off it, then places it on a shelf with other books whose titles all begin with the letter O. Then grabs another book out from under her arm and reads the title.

"Turok-Han?... Now how did you get up here?"

Carefully, so as not to lose her balance, she looks over her shoulder to the bookshelf behind her, where all the titles begin with the letter T. Then she looks down. It's a long way to the bottom. Drusilla gently sets the other books on the top self, then turns and gingerly starts to reach across the aisle with the Turok-Han book. It's a little too far, so she stretches, reaching, holding the top of the ladder with her fingertips.

She's almost got it, closer now closer. And that's when the ladder pulls away from the shelf. Drusilla yelps flings the Turok-Han book and grabs the top of the ladder, which stands straight up. Drusilla holds her breath, swaying, precariously, and then she loses her balance, the ladder swings around and Drusilla starts stilt walking down the aisle.

"OHEIUGM! AHHHHHH!"

The ladder crosses the aisle, does an about face and heads back the way it came. Drusilla clings to the top. Straggling for balance. The ladder teeters out into the main aisle and picks up speed. Drusilla screams as it does a 180, spins into another aisle and finally crashes to a stop at the top of the bookshelf. Drusilla holds her breath, then sighs heavily. And that's when the bookshelf falls away from her and crashes into the next bookshelf. Drusilla slides down the ladder and plops to the floor.

She looks up as the domino effect kicks in. Each bookshelf crashing into the next. And onward it goes. Bookshelf after bookshelf. Thousands of volumes flinging off the selves and scattering across the floor. It finally ends as the last shelf crashes into a wall. Drusilla's eyes are closed. She eye and stares at the huge mess.

"Oops."

The Egyptian Curator storms in.

"Look at this! Sons of the Messiah! Give me frogs,flies, locusts, anything but this! Compared to you, the other plagues were a joy!"

Drusilla quickly gets up and starts gathering books.

"I'm sorry, it was an accident."

"When Voldemort destroyed Syria, it was an accident. You are a catastrophe! Why do I put up with you?"

Drusilla turns to him, trying to contain herself.

"You put up with me, because I can read and write ancient Egyptian, decipher hieroglyphics and hieratic, and I'm the only person with in a thousand miles who know how to properly code and catalog this library."

"Who needs smart women? I put up with you because your mother and father were our finest patrons, Allah rest their souls. Now straighten up this mess!"

The Curator storms out. Drusilla just stands there, steaming. And then she hears a noise and quickly turns around.

"Hello?"

Quite, eerie. And then she heard it again, like feet, slowly shuffling across the floor, coming from a near by gallery.

"Warren? Graham? Andrew?"

Drusilla walks through the stacks and enters The Ramesseum Gallery. Filled with treasures and plunder from the Middle Kingdom. It's very dark and quite in here, the only light is from flickering torches at either end of the spooky galley. The noise again! From the far side of the room. Feet slowly shuffling plodding across the floor. Drusilla grabs a torch. Looks around at a statue of Anubis, another of Hours, they stare down at Drusilla, who is starting to get scared now.

She walks down the aisle. Past a closed sarcophagus. Past cases of ancient artifacts. Past another sarcophagus, only this one is open! Drusilla freezes, swallows hard, nervously looks around to see who could have opened it. Then she slowly leans forward with the torch, and peers inside.


	6. Chapter 6

A hideous rotten mummy sits up and screeches at her! Drusilla screams, drops the torch and back away, scared out of her wits. And then, coming from inside the sarcophagus, she hears a man laughing. Her eyes narrow as a foppish cad crawls out from behind the mummy, laughing his ass off, half drunk.

"You…! YOU…!"

"Drunkard? Fool? Rat bastard? Please call me something original."

Meet Rupert Giles. As he crawls out of the sarcophagus, Drusilla pulls a cigarette out of the mummy's mouth.

"Have you no respect for the dead?"

"Right now, I only wish to join them."

He grins drunkly, Drusilla punches him hard in the chest.

"Well I wish you'd do it sooner rather than later, before you ruin my career the way you've ruined yours."

"My dear, sweet baby sister, I'll have you know, that at this moment my career is on a high note."

He belches, then falls back and sits on the edge of a tomb.

"High note? Ha! For five years you've been scrounging around Egypt, and what have you to show for it? Nothing."

Rupert excitedly starts scrounging around in his jacket.

"Oh yes I do! I have something right here!"

"Oh no, not another worthless trinket, Rupert, if I bring one more piece of junk to the the Curator to try and sell for you."

Rupert pulls out a small, ancient box; the collapsed key to Xander's sarcophagus and coffin. Drusilla is instantly curious, she grabs the box out of his hand.

"Where did you get this?"

Rupert knows her weakness, gives her a mischievous smile.

"On a dig, down in Thebes."

Drusilla rolls the box around in her hands, mumbling to herself as she translates the hieratics covering it. Rupert licks his lips in anticipation.

"My whole life I've never found anything Dru. Tell me I've found something."

Drusilla's fingers play with the various little slats on the box, shifting them this way and that way it's like a puzzle box. Then suddenly, it unfolds itself, almost mechanically, turning itself into the key. Sitting inside the open key/box is a folded piece of golden papyrus. An ancient map.

"Rupert!"

"Yes?"

"I think you found something."

The Curator sits at his desk, staring through a jeweler's eyepiece at the key/box. Drusilla hovers behind him, excited.

"See the cartouche there it's the official royal seal of Dumbledore the First, I'm sure of it."

"Perhaps."

Rupert leans in from across the desk.

"Two questions. Who in the hell is Dumbledore the First? And was he rich?"

"He was the last pharaoh of the old kingdom, said to be the wealthiest pharaoh of them all."

"Alright, good, that's good. I like this fellow, like him very much."

The Curator picks up the map. It was the same map that was inside the puzzle key/box.

"I've already dated it, this map is almost four thousand years old. And the hieratics over here…"

Drusilla inhales deeply.

"It's Humunaptra."

The Curator freezes, suddenly very nervous, then he recovers.

"My dear girl, don't be ridiculous, we are scholars. Not treasure hunters. Hamunaptra is a myth."

"Are we talking about the Humunaptra?"

"Yes. The City of the Dead. Where the pharaohs were said to have hidden the wealth of Egypt."

"Right, right, in a big underground treasure chamber. Everybody knows the story. The entire necropolis was rigged to sink into the sand. On the pharaoh's command, a flick of the switch! And the whole place could disappear beneath the dunes."

"All we know is the city mysteriously vanished around 2,134B.C."

The Curator holds the map closer to the burning candle lamp.

"As the Americans would say: it's all fairy tales and hokum."

The map accidentally catches on fire. The Curator throws it to the floor. Rupert drops to his knees and quickly puts it out. Lifts it up. The left part of the map is now missing.

"You burned it! You burned off the part with the lost city!"

"It's for the best, I'm sure. Many men have wasted their lives in the foolish pursuit of Humunaptra, no one has ever found it, most have never returned."

Rupert devastated.

"You killed my map."

"I'm sure it was a fake anyway, I'm surprised at you, Miss Giles, to be so fooled."

The Curator reaches for the key/box. Drusilla snatched it off the desk and give him a very angry, suspicious look.


End file.
